Bottom 10 songs - '12 (Part 1)

10. Down - 311
Sounds like a poor ripoff of Limp Bizkit, and yet this came years before Limp Bizkit were even popular. Says it all really, and no-one remembers them now; it's a surprise I've even heard of them not to mention they have a greatest hits album, who knew desultory rap rock could get you that far.


9. Mama Do the Hump - Rizzle Kicks
Rizzle Kicks just cannot write songs whatsoever, the chorus is devoid of any imagination, the backing track is completely tedious. Does anyone remember a really cringeworthy song that knocked around a few years back with two chavs talking to each other about dodgy girls called "Skets"? That's all I can hear when Rizzle Kicks rap, oh dear.


8. We Are Young - Fun
This song gives me a fairly good impression of what it'd be like to be dead, I don't understand how a song with nothing happening in it could be as pervasive as "We are Young". Moreover the chorus couldn't be more of a cliché coming from an indie band we've never heard of before: "We are young", "I can set the world on fire, we can burn brighter" screams of the naive, vague optimism that comes from a band that has high hopes but doesn't really know why, and will hopefully be never heard of again given this perfunctory effort. Just think, anyone heard Owl City recently?

7. Boyfriend - Justin Bieber
So, as has been said before Justin Bieber has hit puberty and now he has to rap to get by. Despite what you might think I had no problem with Bieber up to this point in his career because his music is not aimed at me, and I know that; it's aimed at teenage girls, so like Miley Cyrus or Rebecca Black, I don't dislike, I just don't care. But now he's 18, and that period of his career is fast running dry. Rapping about fondue and using the word "swag" relentlessly to the point you whisper "swaggie" makes not for passable songwriting, and with very little going on in the background you can't be so insipid on the vocals. What really makes me begin to feel cross is that he's demonstrated he can rap quite well actually. Don't believe me? Exhibit A


6. Wifey - Big Ang ft. Siobhan
Aside from having the most contrived chorus I think I've ever heard; just hearing the words "I wanna be your wifey for lifey" is enough to condemn this song. But it's not just that makes me feel uncomfortable, it's the fact that we have a woman singing about bringing her man coffee just the way he likes it and wanting to cook and clean. It sounds hideously backdated and makes me slightly splenetic because it plays to the kind of small-minded churl who still thinks sandwich and kitchen jokes are funny.


5. Dirty Talk - Wynter Gordon
And now to go way across to the other side of the spectrum of appealing to salacious momes by just hurling all subtlety out of the window in prompt fashion. I'm not even going to go into how bad the chorus sounds, or how bad the verse sounds, what's so egregious about this track is just how seedy it is; and I don't think you can understand how shockingly seedy I find it until you've seen numerous women; the kind that wear too much fake tan, live on council estates and have a proclivity to wind up on the Jeremy Kyle Show; sing this song in ropey bars and clubs. It's just sleazy to the highest degree to make a song listing all kinds of sexual terms and situations and your affinity for them, and what's worse it marks you out as either a total tart or as someone willing to degrade themselves to make a contrived song that appeals to the lowest common denominator. I'm not sure which is less attractive.


I'll be back soon to complete this list...