This time last year I offered my favourite Christmas songs here, this year it's time for me to be more of a grouch and complain.
10. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday - Wizzard
Surely there could be nothing more egregious than such a marvellous day becoming prosaic through having to live it every day over and over, probably exchanging presents with Ned Ryerson if you catch my drift.
9. All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
Three Words: Death. By. Overplay. And that's only from hearing it one month a year.
8. Merry Christmas Everybody - Slade
A Brummie yelling 'It's Christmas' is no way to start anything, no less one of the most pervasive Christmas songs.
7. Stop the Cavalry - Jona Lewie
In the world of the anti-war Christmas songs, this is blown out of the water by McCartney and Lennon respectively. A rare hit for Lewie whose next greatest hit is called 'You'll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties'.
6. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses
Infectiously irritating and somehow manages to take over five minutes to ram together a number of Christmas cliches.
5. Stay Another Day - East 17
If a Mariachi band from a Doritos advert can make a better version of your song than your attempt, then you ought be feeling remorseful. Moreover this isn't even a Christmas song, the only reason it's considered one is because of the bells added towards the end and the snow on the video: shameless.
4. Once Upon A Christmas Song - Geraldine McQueen
Being a Boltonian, I run the risk of being lynched for criticizing my hometown's state religion. But seriously, Peter Kay, in drag, singing, a parody about how Christmas songs are played ad nauseum in hope that it can share the same status; there really isn't a way it could be found enjoyable. Even Dennis Waterman showed a comedy Christmas song can be done, and no, that isn't London embarassingly rubbing off on me.
3. Fairytale of New York - The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl
The song that keeps Shane MacGowan in supply of drugs for another year; the cynic in me says one of the main reasons this song is popular is the fact it gives people an opportunity to shout the line 'you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap, lousy faggot'. That and anything with New York in the title cannot possibly be good, no exceptions, I'll maybe be persuaded into accepting 'Leaving New York', but you can't usually talk me out of R.E.M.
2. Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard
It's sad that the genius behind one of my favourite Christmas songs managed to also be the source of this atrocious malaise through the most banal aspects of the festive season. It's been said before, but hey, I may as well say it: Gifts ON the trees?? We all know you can do better than that Cliff!
1. Lonely This Christmas - Mud
Commits some major high crimes and misdemeanours found in Christmas music. It's by a band who no-one has heard much of apart from their Christmas song. As a song, it's nothing to do with Christmas really, there's just Christmas references shoehorned in. The worst offence is that it's so ridiculously downbeat; come on, it's Christmas not a funeral: lighten up already!
If you'd prefer a more somber Christmas song, how about a cut from the classic Who album Tommy:
I wish it was January 2nd already. Season's Greetings.
